


Better Than I Know Myself

by Telas_Selar



Category: Salvation (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, BAMF Grace Barrows (mentioned), Betrayal, Bittersweet Ending, Broken Promises, Concerned Harris Edwards, Guilt, Guilty Harris Edwards, Hurt Darius Tanz, Implied/Referenced Minor Character Death, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Episode s01e04 The Human Strain, References to Hawaii Five-0, Self-Harm, Self-harming Darius Tanz, Unofficial established relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:53:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24107809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Telas_Selar/pseuds/Telas_Selar
Summary: A guilt-ridden Harris turns back to Tanz industries and finds a broken Darius who just wants the pain to stop.
Relationships: Grace Barrows & Darius Tanz, Harris Edwards/Darius Tanz
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

Harris wasn't sure what made him do it. 

Maybe it was how vulnerable Darius had seemed after they'd put him through five hours of torture, maybe it was the guilt that was practically eating away at everything Harris was and should be. He had failed, he had failed terribly, not just at recovering the IO probe or salvaging his humanity from the disastrous mess of allowing a man he cared deeply for to be taken apart like a broken machine right in front of his eyes. He'd failed to be what he'd sworn he was, broken the promise he'd made all those years ago to a younger Darius Tanz, back when he'd been a lowly Captain, easily overlooked. 

_ I'll always be there for you _ he'd said, gentle fingertips cupping the back of the other man's head, their lips mere inches apart.  _ No matter how bad it gets, I'll be there. You can trust me, Darius.  _

And here he was, nearly ten years later, not just breaking but  _ shattering _ that promise, allowing his doubt and his fear to cloud his judgement. It had been  _ Grace _ who had put a stop to it,  _ Grace _ who had fought for Darius.  _ Grace _ , not him, and for that, he was ashamed. Seeing the scientist so shaken, needing the help of two seperate people just to walk across a room…it unnerved Harris, more so when he remembered that he had started this. He hadn't had a shred of doubt that Darius had betrayed them, hadn't even tried to protect him. No, he'd put his duty first, and his duty had nearly killed a man he loved. 

Love.. Love was a powerful word, one Harris had never dared to speak aloud before, yet it was true. And maybe that was the real reason he'd turned back, the real reason he was here now, striding through the doors of Tanz Industries with a heavy heart, and an even heavier conscience. 

He couldn't bear it, the thought of what he'd done, what Darius must be going through - the man never let anyone in and yet he'd always let Harris in. Trusted him.  _ Loved him… _

“Can I help you, sir?” Someone asked, and Harris held up his badge without a second thought, his pulse throbbing uncontrollably in his throat. 

“Deputy Secretary Harris Edwards. Pentagon. I need to speak with Darius Tanz.”

The secretary reached up to loosen his tie, and caught the tail end of the look the guard was giving him. A look that indicated more than just hostility but hatred. And it was a look that made him not angry but disappointed in himself. Not so long ago, the mere mention of his name would open doors as easily as a positive retinal scan here - but he could hardly complain, he'd done this to himself. 

“I'm sorry, sir, but Mr Tanz doesn't want to see anyone” The guard was saying. “Least of all, you.”

“I know that. Listen, I don't have a lot of time right now, I don't know you, but I know him. I've known him a long time and when you know someone a long time, you learn to read their behaviour.”

A hesitant pause. An incredulous expression. 

“What're you saying, that he's  _ violent?”  _

“Just let me in, Mr-” Harris checked the man's badge. “-Shaw. You can ask me questions later. I'm not armed and I'm not a threat, let me in. Or do I have to stand here and argue with a low-level tech for the next hour?” 

Without waiting for an answer, Harris pushed past, heading for the Treehouse with Darius' chip tightly clenched in his palm, the guard's protests falling on deaf ears as the elevator doors slid open to let him through. 


	2. Chapter 2

Darius had spent the last few hours in ringing silence, pacing the small room unsteadily until his legs had given out, barely aware of anything around him but the blade in his hands and the overwhelming, burning pain in his lungs. Five hours he'd spent strapped to a table while they brutally tortured him, five hours of choking on water that burned with every breath he tried to take, the light disorientating as the overwhelming sensory overload that hit every time they ripped the hood off. Five hours of telling the truth and being dismissed as a liar, five hours that Harris Edwards had allowed, witnessed. Perhaps, even  _ enjoyed.  _

The mere thought of that caused a dry sob to leave the younger man's throat, eyes tightly shut as he dragged the knife across his wrist. He couldn't feel the pain, or the blood trickling down his arm, barely aware of the fact that his vision was fading more with every passing second.

He was already weak, disorientated beyond measure, and what he was doing was hardly helpful to his cause, but he couldn't help but go through with it nonetheless. 

There was no one here to see, to judge…no one to see how much psychological pain he was in as he held onto the way Harris had helped him up, spoken to him gently, looped his arm over one shoulder and walked him out. He wanted so badly to believe that the secretary had simply made a mistake, but that was hard to do, it was too hard, and his mind hurt. There were far too many contradictions.

In fact, there were so many that he was still trying to make sense of them when Harris rushed out of the elevator, calling out his name, clearly panicked as he surveyed the dimly lit room for his query, and found him curled up on his side behind the couch, a hunting knife in one hand as he attacked what was left of his bloodied and battered left arm with about as much subtlety as an atom bomb. 

Fear and shock and horror lanced through Harris simultaneously like an arrow as the nature of what he was seeing slowly sunk in, but when he spoke, it was the calm voice of a trained negotiator that came out. 

“Darius, put the knife down.”


	3. Chapter 3

“What do you want from me, Harris?” The scientist managed, the words distorted and far apart, spoken through visibly clenched teeth. “If you've come here to gloat, you can leave because I've had about enough…of you. Your lies. Your empty promises. I  _ trusted _ you, Harris, with everything I had. And you let it all go,  _ you let it all go _ the  _ moment _ you got the chance but you know what, I should have expected that. No one gets that high up in government without breaking a few legs. Except I  _ really _ didn't think you'd break mine.”

The other man's words were painful to hear, but for once, Harris didn't try to protest, didn't brush them off and claim he was doing his duty. They were alone here, there was no point in keeping up such a toxic pretence. It was useless, and he was done with it, for good this time. 

Instead, he reached out, placed a gentle, steady hand on Darius' shoulder, ignoring the way the scientist tried to flinch away from him, and pulled the smaller man to his chest, firmly but carefully, mindful of his extensive injuries. 

After about a minute of frantic struggling against the other's stronger grip, Darius let the knife drop to the floor with a muffled thud and buried his head in Harris' shoulder, chest heaving as he cried openly, his soul, his heart bared a second time to the man who had betrayed him.

The scientist couldn't help it anymore, he needed the other man, needed him so badly, regardless of the fact that the source of his very pain started with that need, and little did he know that Harris needed him too, that the hand at the back of Darius' neck was not just there to reassure  _ him. _

“Darius, I'm so sorry” Harris said softly, and he meant it. He knew it couldn't fix anything, but he wanted the younger man to know. He wanted him to know that he cared, he would always care, that the mistake he'd made was a terrible one but he'd make up for it. He'd make up for it somehow. 

“I wanted to believe you were” Darius choked out. “I thought you'd make it stop, but you  _ didn't _ . You didn't make it  _ stop _ , Harris.”

“I know.” The secretary let out a sharp exhale, shifting to press his lips to the other's temple. “And I'll spend the rest of my life knowing that I hurt you. We can talk later, but please - let me take care of you now. It's the least I can do.”

Darius swallowed hard against a dry throat but inclined his head in reply nonetheless. He trusted Harris, even when he didn't want to, something which hurt the secretary in more ways than he'd admit.

People always thought of Darius Tanz as cold and unattached, which wasn't completely untrue, but they missed the trusting side of him, the side he'd shown to very few, one of whom was dead, the other being Harris, who had stabbed him in the back. Oh it hurt alright, but Harris had only himself to blame for that. He'd done his duty he thought as he gently brushed away the other man's tears and helped remove his shirt before he brought his arm into the light to examine it. He'd definitely done his duty but where had that gotten him? They had wasted so much time that the IO probe crashed and burned despite their efforts, and now Darius was hurt, badly. These cuts were deep, and what disturbed the secretary was that they weren't made over unmarked skin. A quick glance told him that both of Darius' arms were covered in scars and bruises and what looked like a cut from jagged glass along his opposite forearm. How long had he been turning to the blade? Harris wondered silently as he got to work, noting the way that Darius was watching him, slipping in and out of consciousness. 

“Hey, stay with me, alright?” The secretary told him, moving his free hand to cup his face, fingertips simultaneously pressing down against his pulse point. “Your pulse is too fast, and you've lost a lot of blood. We need to keep you awake.”

“What's the point?” Darius asked him, but Harris wasn't having this. Not now, he wasn't going to let the man he loved bleed out in his arms if it was the last thing he did. Ignoring the question, he just kissed his forehead, lingering for longer than he needed to. 

“Just keep your eyes open, this'll all be over soon.”


	4. Chapter 4

Harris was as good as his word; working quickly to disinfect and stitch up Darius' wounds, keeping the man on his back with his legs elevated above heart level as he worked, talking to him about anything he could think of until he'd made sure he was no longer at risk. It was a relief, Harris thought, that he'd made it here when he did, or Darius would likely be in very bad shape. Clearly the guard downstairs hadn't the faintest idea of what the scientist was capable of doing to himself.

The secretary was so caught up in his thoughts that he momentarily missed what Darius was saying, causing him to repeat it. 

“Your medical skills are about as good as Steve McGarrett's” The scientist told him with the shadow of a smile. “Neither of you even worked that angle and you're damn near excellent at it.”

“You bingewatched Hawaii Five-0  _ again?” _ Harris demanded, but his tone was as gentle as the touch to Darius' shoulder, an invitation to cuddle with him now that his wounds were taken care of. “You know the remake doesn't live up to the original.”

“The remake is just fine, Mr Secretary” Darius complained, obligingly curling up against his side. “Except it loses some of its quality when I have to watch it alone.”

“Right.”

Under normal circumstances, Harris would have found this amusing, but now he was just concerned, although the light-hearted conversation and the fact that Darius was no longer flinching away from him was a relief as much as it was a burden. It meant that Darius still trusted him regardless of whether he deserved that trust or not, and he was determined to be worthy of it again, no matter what that took. 


End file.
